14 horrifying, baffling foods from vintage ads
Two words: "Mayonnaise Pears."
Read to Me
The midcentury kitchen is haunted with the evil spirits of canned meats and savory gelatin molds. Oh, and mayonnaise. The things we used to do with mayonnaise!
Food companies loved to promote the "gourmet" wonders that awaited your family by throwing a few canned goods together. It's a wonder we ever ate our dinner as children.
The following vitage ads mixed savory and sweet, chocolate and tuber, bran and tuna. Perhaps it's better if you proceed on an empty stomach.
Mayonnaise on Pears
Image: Miracle Whip via alsis35 / Flickr
Let that sink in: mayonnaise on pears. Wait, "sink in" might be a poor choice of words. How about "slime in"?
Image: Kraft via shatteredmindofc / Flickr
Even Elvis would be like: "No thank you. No thank you very much."
Image: Armour / cannedmeatmagic.tumblr.com
Softened bones meet the metallic tang of can.
Orange and Licorice Ice Cream
Image: Sani-Dairy via Vintage Tikitacky / Pinterest
It's cute they wanted to make tiger stripes, but surely there was a better combination.
Clover Leaf Tuna Rolls
Image: Kellogg's via Shelf Life Taste Test / Flickr
"Combine All Bran cereal and milk. Let stand until all moisture is absorbed." That's right, these rolls combine the pleasure of soggy cereal with tuna salad.
Mayonnaise Cranberry Candle Salad
Image: Hellmann's via Vintascope
We'll eat the Christmas decorations instead, thanks.
Green Beans Pizzarino
Image: Del Monte via Guff
Night of the Living Condiments.
Spam Upside Down Pie
Image: Hormel via longstreet.typepad.com
The operative word here is "up."
Image: Miracle Whip via messynessychic.com
Didn't Richard Dreyfuss make this in Close Encounters?
Extra Tasty Ham Loaf Ring with Creamed Spring Vegetables
Image: Carnation via retroadverto.wordpress.com
"Loaf," "ring" and "creamed" should never be together in a food title.
Party Potato Salad
Image: Hellmann's via pzrservices
Finally, a potato salad you can slice.
Asparagus on Devil Ham Toast
Image: Underwood via clotho98 / Flickr
We never trusted a food that willingly called itself "devil."
Ten-Minute Prune Whip
Image: Del Monte via dtxmcclain / Tumblr
We assume the "Ten-Minute" refers to the amount of time it takes to summon the courage to taste this.
Ham Banana Rolls
Image: United Fruit Company via weird-vintage.com
Please just let us be stranded on Gilligan's Island instead.