The midcentury kitchen is haunted with the evil spirits of canned meats and savory gelatin molds. Oh, and mayonnaise. The things we used to do with mayonnaise!

Food companies loved to promote the "gourmet" wonders that awaited your family by throwing a few canned goods together. It's a wonder we ever ate our dinner as children.

The following vitage ads mixed savory and sweet, chocolate and tuber, bran and tuna. Perhaps it's better if you proceed on an empty stomach.

Mayonnaise on Pears

Image: Miracle Whip via alsis35 / Flickr

Let that sink in: mayonnaise on pears. Wait, "sink in" might be a poor choice of words. How about "slime in"?

Jellygrill Sandwich

Image: Kraft via shatteredmindofc / Flickr

Even Elvis would be like: "No thank you. No thank you very much."

Canned Ribs

Image: Armour / cannedmeatmagic.tumblr.com

Softened bones meet the metallic tang of can.

Orange and Licorice Ice Cream

Image: Sani-Dairy via Vintage Tikitacky / Pinterest

It's cute they wanted to make tiger stripes, but surely there was a better combination.

Clover Leaf Tuna Rolls

Image: Kellogg's via Shelf Life Taste Test / Flickr

"Combine All Bran cereal and milk. Let stand until all moisture is absorbed." That's right, these rolls combine the pleasure of soggy cereal with tuna salad. 

Mayonnaise Cranberry Candle Salad

Image: Hellmann's via Vintascope

We'll eat the Christmas decorations instead, thanks.

Green Beans Pizzarino

Image: Del Monte via Guff

Night of the Living Condiments.

Spam Upside Down Pie

Image: Hormel via longstreet.typepad.com

The operative word here is "up."

Almonds-in-a-Haystack Appetizer

Image: Miracle Whip via messynessychic.com

Didn't Richard Dreyfuss make this in Close Encounters?

Extra Tasty Ham Loaf Ring with Creamed Spring Vegetables

Image: Carnation via retroadverto.wordpress.com

"Loaf," "ring" and "creamed" should never be together in a food title. 

Party Potato Salad

Image: Hellmann's via pzrservices

Finally, a potato salad you can slice.

Asparagus on Devil Ham Toast

Image: Underwood via clotho98 / Flickr

We never trusted a food that willingly called itself "devil."

Ten-Minute Prune Whip

Image: Del Monte via dtxmcclain / Tumblr

We assume the "Ten-Minute" refers to the amount of time it takes to summon the courage to taste this.

Ham Banana Rolls

Image: United Fruit Company via weird-vintage.com

Please just let us be stranded on Gilligan's Island instead.