Hey Hey! Ho Ho! This Stupid Chant Has Got to Go!

So, the Chicago Symphony Orchestra has gone on strike. I'm sure they'll, at least, come up with more lyrical chants than the usual strikers' refrains; like the old "What do we want? Rav-e-shavits! When do we want it? Sometime!" I especially like the fact that, most times, that one ends up being so grabled, we really can't tell what they want, whether they want it now or not... Anyway, with strikes in vogue these days (no, the staff of "Vogue" magazine isn't on strike- you know what I mean)- with airline pilots and teachers battling for arbitration- I have decided that it's only fair that the Svengoolie show go on strike. There are certainly problems- for one thing,unsafe working conditions. Time after time, I am pelted with dangerous rubber chickens. The hazards are many-first of all,the possibility of injury- a sharp faux beak can definitely put a black-rimmed eye out; the softer,more flexible birds can deliver a very sharp slap to a goolie face;and, the harder more plasticine pullets have caused more than their fair share of bruises. In addition, when any one of those chickens lands in a hot studio light- the fire hazard is inevitable. Plus- those chickens, thrown by many hands,and hitting a floor that hasn't been cleaned in decades present a science project's worth of bacteria and microbes on their surfaces- who knows what infectious disease could be lurking on those beaked barrage items, much less have cross-bred and evolved into some unknown ailment that may not have a cure? Let us move on to the area of dangerous and shoddy equipment that we are forced to use- the foremost example is- my coffin. This is an item that is over forty years old- and in major disrepair. I won't even bring up the lack of air conditrioning or circulation inside it when the lid-doors are closed- and, let us bring up those doors- especially the top half of this "dutch-door" arrangement. You must notice that every time I have to close that upper door, I have to give it an extra lift just to get it to shut.This is due to the worn-out hinges on the sides of this coffin which was never built to last this long. One of the hinges will actually lose its hinge pin and fall apart (I was informed recently that the reason for this is that the hinges are actually put in- upside-down! Yet another sign of faulty construction that I should be protesting- except for the fact that the gentlemen who built it are no longer with us- and , besides, they were my friends, so- I wouldn't press any charges...) The magnetic catches that are meant to hold the lid shut (I'm sure that's a regular feature on real coffins- yeah, right) often become mis-aligned, and, of course, their magnetic power has diminished as time has passed. The lid doors no longer stay shut- and- very honestly- the whole coffin itself is starting to come apart- the wooden body of it is beginning to split and splinter, and with missing handles on the sides, as well as the paint job obviously having worn off in regularly-touched areas,the need for a replacement is imperative. And so, dear freinds, we of the Svengoolie show staff are putting to a vote the decision to strike- and the results are coming in even as I type this. The votes of our cast members Tombstone, Doug Graves,Durwood, and my "brother" Fredo are being counted and...uh...wait a minute. Oh, fine... according to the tabulations, I was the only one who voted to strike. All my fellow cast members are more than happy to see me being hit by those chickens and having to endure any hardships possible. Thanks a lot, pals... Never mind. There will be no strike-it's business as usual. I'm hoisting the door and closing up shop until tomorrow...